Which One of You is the "Mom"?
As a family we’ve been asked this question quite a lot.
It usually isn’t worded so bluntly and often takes on a much more open-minded tone: “Who takes on the nurturing role?”. Regardless of the pleasantries, it’s asking how we fit into a traditional family structure.
Neither… Our family doesn’t have a “mom”, it has two dads.
…and we don’t need to fit ourselves into a traditional family structure.
It’s a misconception that a family needs one father and one mother in order to provide a healthy, loving environment for its children. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
We don’t subscribe to traditional gender roles when it comes to parenting our children, either. We both take on all tasks and responsibilities equally and neither of us has to adopt a “mom” role.
In fact, having two dads offers many unique benefits for our family when it comes to parenting. We can provide different perspectives on the same issue, share household chores more evenly, and offer more emotional support for each other as well as our children.
Ultimately, it comes down to love. We are both present and provide our children with the same amount of love, nurturing and responsibility that they need. Gender doesn’t have to be a factor in providing quality parenting. Love is love, no matter how it comes.
The is a tough question to approach because the motivation behind it can be drastically different.
Some people ask out of curiosity; while others may be asking out of concern. Concern that our daughter won’t grow up with a motherly role model.
Regardless of the motivation, this assumption is hurtful because it implies that our family can’t be happy and healthy without exactly one father and one mother.
Well BS to that.
Children without traditional family structures aren’t missing out. The bottom line here is that children need love, nurturing and feeding. And two dads are more than capable of providing that.
Which makes us share in every responsibility.
Equally sharing in every task removes asymmetry from the relationship and evoked equal responsibility (and opportunity) for both parents.
When two dads come together to form a family, they provide their children with an environment that is free from traditional gender roles. Unlike in a traditional family where one parent might be expected to take on the more traditionally "female" tasks such as cooking, cleaning and childcare while the other takes on the more traditionally "male" roles like taking out the trash and handling finances, two dads can both equally share in all tasks. In this kind of family structure, each parent is given equal responsibility and opportunity when it comes to taking care of their children.
When there are no restrictions on who does what, your child grows up to believe that they are capable of anything – and isn’t that a beautiful thing?
Which makes us motivated.
The decision to become parents is never taken lightly, but same-sex couples often have to take extra steps. Not only do they have to decide how they will go about building a family, but they also frequently face challenges like adoption and surrogacy laws that are less accommodating for them.
For us, the added challenges of becoming parents only serves to make us more driven and dedicated. We both had the desire to form a family and the motivation to do whatever it takes in order to reach our goal.
Let’s face it, Gays and lesbians rarely become parents by accident. Having a family is a big decision that can take years of discussion and savings – it isn’t taken lightly.
So, when the decision is made to start a family, it’s often followed up with 100% commitment.
Gender is irrelevant – all you need is love.
When it comes to parenting, love is what matters most. Children need parents who will give them time, attention and unconditional support – regardless of gender.
No matter how our family came together, the only thing that has ever mattered is the love between us all. We have created a happy and healthy home for our children not only by providing emotional support but also through our devotion and love for each other.
Our family is like any other – we are a unit that shares in both challenges and successes. We rely on each other to raise our daughter with all the values that come along with having two parents. Love is what fuels us, and it doesn’t matter if it comes from two men or a man and woman.
At the end of the day, having two dads is no different than any other family. We are here to provide our daughter with all the love and guidance she needs – gender doesn’t have to be a factor when it comes to providing quality parenting.
No, our daughter doesn’t have a mom.
No, our daughter doesn’t need a mom.
Our daughter will grow up with two loving dads.
She will be surrounded by positive female role models.
She will be enveloped by so much love that it will be overflowing.
I wish every child was this fortunate.